jackson 4 for comms

  • What are you afraid will happen if you challenge or don’t agree with this person?
  • Where does that fear come from, i.e. what is your basis for this fear?  Is it relevant to attach that fear to this communication?
  • Which of your beliefs are being challenged by this communication?
  • What do those beliefs mean to you?
  • When your beliefs are challenged, how does that feel?
  • How do you usually respond?
  • If you find yourself saying “he/she makes me feel……….  Remember no one can make you feel anything.  That feeling is yours.  This communication has just triggered your feeling.  In order to learn, own that feeling so that you can understand where it comes from and why it has been triggered in this relationship?
  • What are you trying to defend?
  • What are your perceptions of this relationship?
  • What evidence do you have to confirm your perception?
  • What assumptions are you making as a result of this communication?
  • What questions do you need to ask to clarify these assumptions?
  • What are you taking personally?
  • Is it meant to be personal?
  • What, if anything, do you need to take responsibility for?
  • What is your intention for yourself in this relationship?
  • What is your assumption of the other person’s intention for this relationship?
  • What, if any, questions could you ask to clarify the other person’s intention for this relationship?
  • What is your objective in having an honest conversation with this person as a result of the challenging communication?

Start the conversation with “I feel/think/hear/see/believe ……….” as opposed to “You said/did/hurt etc ……..” 

Starting a conversation with “You……..” will immediately trigger defensiveness.

Remember:  You can’t control how the other person will respond to what you say, nor can you protect him/her from being hurt or disappointed.  But if you speak your honest truth, then at least you clarify your position.


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